What to do
Supportive attitudes to adopt when someone discloses sexual violence
Disclosing sexual violence can present several obstacles for the victim:
- fear of not being believed,
- feelings of shame,
- fear of breaking up the family,
- fear of being blamed,
- fear of the reactions of close friends and family,
- fear of repercussions,
- and much more.
The moment where someone overcomes the resistance to talk about the sexual violence they have experienced and breaks the silence is a crucial step in their recovery, and the way it is received is essential.
In fact, people who receive adequate support following their disclosure seem to experience fewer psychological, relational and sexual impacts. On the other hand, harmful reactions can hinder recovery, worsen the impact and delay the search for professional help.
Unfortunately, one in five victims reports feeling blamed for their own victimization. Most of the time, it is the perpetrator of sexual violence and/or loved ones who made them feel responsible.
It’s important to highlight what’s helpful and what isn’t when someone discloses sexual violence to you.
You may realize that you’ve had a harmful reaction; many people don’t know how to react despite having good intentions. Don’t worry, you can make up for it by following the helpful reactions outlined below.
Asking too many questions
- Asking direct, suggestive questions
- Trying to get all the details
- Talking about it over and over again
Listening without judging
- Letting them express themselves in their own words and at their own pace
- Active listening
- Using open-ended questions
Doubting or not believing them
- Being skeptical
- Investigating
- Expecting them to react in a certain way
Believing them
- Telling them that you believe them
- Focusing on what they are saying and experiencing
Trivializing, minimizing or, on the contrary, amplifying
- Trivializing or minimizing acts of sexual violence
- Comparing to worse situations
- Expressing very intense emotions in front of them
- Listening and remaining as calm as possible
Listening and remaining as calm as possible
- Listening to what is said, without minimizing or amplifying the experiences, emotions or consequences
- If you are feeling emotional, which is normal, it’s important to explain that these emotions are not directed at them, to avoid making them feel responsible for your emotions
Blaming
- Blaming them for not defending themselves, for using substances, etc.
- Suggesting what they could have done
- Implying that they provoked it, that they are partly responsible for what happened
Alleviating guilt
- Mentioning that it’s not their fault
- Putting the responsibility back on the individual who committed sexual violence
Promising to keep it a secret
- It could be dangerous if they need protection
Ensuring their safety and referring them
- Reporting the event to the DYP if they are under 18
- Checking whether they are in danger and need protection
- Informing them of the various support resources available
- Encouraging them to talk to specialists
Showing impatience
- Pressuring them to take certain steps (e.g., reporting the matter to the police; seeking help)
Respecting their pace
- Giving them time
- Offering to accompany them when they feel ready to take action, if desired
Preventing them from expressing unpleasant emotions
- Preventing them from expressing their negative emotions on the pretext that it’s not good to live in the past, telling them to “move on”
Validating their emotions
- Normalizing the reactions, emotions and feelings (anger, guilt, sadness, etc.) they may be experiencing
- Encouraging the expression of emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant
Overprotecting and/or taking control of the situation
- Punishing them
- Preventing them from going out, seeing friends, following their every move
- Making all decisions for them and not respecting their own decisions
- Taking charge of them
Encouraging independence
- Helping them regain control over their life
- Giving them room to breathe, to return to their usual level of functioning
- Encouraging them to make decisions and respecting those decisions
- Gradually resuming normal activities, as they will feel the need for everything not to revolve around the sexual violence they’ve experienced
Acting as if nothing had happened
- Not intervening (“sweeping it under the rug”)
- Ignoring the request for help
Being supportive and present
- Showing that you’re available to talk about it and/or guide them towards resources
- If you don’t feel able to help them, it’s important to acknowledge them and help them find someone else who can
Pointing out weaknesses
- Suggesting what they could have said or done
Highlight their strengths
- Highlighting and valuing the strength and courage shown in talking about their experience
- Highlighting small successes
Expressing anger at the perpetrator of sexual violence
- Assuming the victim hates the perpetrator
- Confronting the perpetrator
- Threatening to hurt the perpetrator
Focusing on the victim
- Focusing energy on the victim and giving them attention
- Taking care of their needs and protecting them
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